CLASSICAL SHERLOCK HOLMES JOKES - PART 2.
Created by SherlockExtra - the webmaster
1. Irene Adler quarrels with Sherlock Holmes:
- So, Mr. Holmes, you think that women aren’t clever.
- On the contrary! They are very clever asking for my advice.
2. Sherlock and Moriarty are plunging into Reichenbach Falls.
- You know, Professor, this is not a shocking experience for me.
- Great, Holmes! Do you see these two ropes? I just hang on them while you continue your journey downwards.
- I need only one rope for my parachute. Be careful with the cables!
3. Watson peacefully walks on the street when a running Sherlock Holmes catches him up.
- Run, Watson, run! Someone watches you through a glass lense, and just one click and you are nothing but a memory.
- You mean a photographer?
- No, my dear friend. I am talking about a sharpshooter.
4. Watson is happy when he arrives home but sees red smelling quite unpleasant odours.
- You and your experiments, Holmes!
- This time it is Mrs. Hudson’s burnt supper.
5. Conan Doyle’s wife enters her husband’s room where he is busy working on a Holmes novel and says:
- Conan, our life resembles the adventures of Sherlock.
- Why, do we have such an exciting life?
- No, our life is without sexuality.
6. Lestrade says:
- You know, Mr. Holmes, I never did anything significant during my career. I should find someone who brings out something from me.
- Well, maybe Jack the Ripper makes an exception.
7. The great detective arrives home. He is very angry.
- That bastard! The devil take it!
- What’s wrong, Holmes? – asks the doctor.
- Jim Berry, that scoundrel has beaten me. What a shame!
- How could he do it?
- I promised him that I’ll dance on his grave.
- And he had been cremated.
8. Holmes is reading sullenly. He yells at the passing Mrs. Hudson:
- How you dare to take away my aspidistra?
- You never have a look at it. I will care for it much better - says the housekeeper. Watson reproves him:
- Why are you raging, my friend? She’s right. That unfortunate plant is still alive only because it is very stout. You never watered it. Don’t feel sorry for that plant!
- I don’t give a damn about the aspidistra. The problem is that I hid my little economies to its pot.
9. Watson tries to convince his friend:
- My dear Holmes…..I’m sorry to tell you but you look ridiculous in these Chinese clothes. They are too short. What is more, you are a tall man, no one will believe you are a little Chinese. And why on Earth do you have that spit in your hand?
- Well, I thought I will go on a dirt road and you’ll dig a pit in front of me…..
10. Sherlock Holmes is called in as a witness on a trial. The barrister wants to prove that there’s no connection between him and the detective, so he asks:
- Sir, do you know who I am?
- Yes, you are a barrister. Married, but you cheat on your wife. You often lie and do not wipe out your butt properly.
The barrister is very confused so he points at the public prosecutor and asks:
- What about him?
- He is a public prosecutor. Drinks and gambles. He is also married, but he cheats his wife with your wife.
The judge calls the barrister and the public prosecutor to his desk and says:
- Gentlemen, the person who asks Mr. Holmes whether he knows who I am will rot in jail.
11. Sherlock Holmes finds the notes of a professor. He studies it when Watson comes to him and says:
- There’s an idiot crawling on the gutters and gibbering like a monkey.
- That is the professor.
- How do you know it for sure?
- I use the method of exclusion. These notes were very helpful, just like the fact that you know how Inspector Lestrade looks like.
12. At Baker Street Watson tells Holmes:
- My friend, Mrs. Hudson just now told about you the following:”Mr. Holmes is a great man. He reaches up such heights.” You always scold women, but she sees your virtues.
- You are mistaken, doctor.
- Because the last time she told this about me she wanted me to remove the cobwebs from the ceiling.
13. - Mr. Holmes, why are forty flies in my empty vinegar bottle? – asks the landlady.
- I think they were seeking refuge from your cooking.
- And they closed the lid?
- Flies are extremely powerful creatures, Mrs. Hudson. They can help abolishing huge dead animals.
- I don’t like it, Mr. Holmes! I have a hunch that you caught those flies for some nasty experiment.
- Nope, Mrs. Hudson.
- What is that disgusting thing at the bottom of the bottle?
- Evidence that shows I told you the truth. Lestrade’s sock – it attracts the flies.
14. Mycroft gets at his brother:
- Sherlock, your violin play is just awful!
- Says someone who has a club where only the butts of the members speak……
15. Watson cheerfully goes up to Sherlock Holmes:
- I brought some things that will be essential for us in the future. You are too high-toned. I give you a violin, play it as a kind of therapy. It will help you to ease stress.
- All right, Watson, but the violin is only one thing. What are the others?
- A pair of earplugs for me, Holmes. This is my therapy.
Recommended article: Sherlock Holmes and the violin
16. Holmes picks up an object made from gold.
All jokes were written by SherlockExtra.
- What is this?
- My oxygene tank pipe. It invigorates the brain – answers Mycroft.
- I didn’t know that you are asthmatic, Mycroft.
- I’m not. I only need this device when you have a three pipe problem.
17. The phone rings:
- Here’s Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective.
- Mr. Holmes, here speaks Inspector Lestrade. Do you still remember that double homicide at Berkshield Street?
- Yes, Lestrade. It happened at midnight, two days before.
- That’s right. I just wanted to tell you that though you often disparage the capabilities of Scotland Yard, we’re on the right track this time.
- Ah! You follow me, I suppose….
18. Sherlock feels blue when he visits his brother. Mycroft tries to find out what is the problem.
- Well, I stole Moriarty’s chest containing stolen jewelry and incriminating documents. I knew that he would do anything to get it back, so I took it to India. I found a hill on a desolate country, with two caves side by side. I looked into the first one and saw a giant sleeping cobra. The second cave was empty, so I buried the chest there. While exiting the cave I noticed a man at a few meters’ distance standing with his back to me. I deduced from his clothes that he’s not Indian, so I greeted him in English. He turned around and I was bewildered to recognize the Professor. This meant that I have to face death. I had a plan, because I had the advantage of knowing where the snake was. If I am fast enough to run through its cave, I only wake it up, so it will bite the person who follows me. I did what I planned, and when I was outside the cobra’s cave I heard a painful cry.
- Sherlock, it was an excellent plan! I couldn’t have done it better myself.
- Don’t you understand, Mycroft? It was a very stupid plan.
- But why?
- Because I ignored the fact that Watson follows me everywhere…..
19. Watson calls his friend:
- Holmes, do you need some board for your experiments? You don’t have to pay for it.
- It would be great. But how did you get it, my friend?
- I applied for a talent show, and when I introduced myself, they said:”Mr. Watson, the stage is yours!”
20. Holmes and Lestrade chat at Baker Street.
- It is vital to have the right conclusions. Hypothesis, Lestrade! Hypothesis!
- All right, Holmes. I just have a look at you, and that ring around your right eye tells me a lot. I suppose you’ve been in theatre last night and you wore an eye-glass.
- Shucks! I was home and fell asleep with the magnifying glass.
21. Holmes, Watson and Lestrade are hiding behind some bushes at a courtyard. Suddenly a phoney runs out of a nearby house, and when he reaches the floodlit part, he throws a Napoleon statue to the ground and begins to slug it.
- Dear God, he surely hates Napoleon! – sighs Lestrade.
- Well, just imagine what will he do when he sees YOUR face….. – replies Holmes.
22. Sherlock Holmes smashes the statue of Napoleon.
- Why did he do this? – asks Lestrade.
- Holmes is an Alexander the Great fan – answers Watson.
23. The barber cuts Watson’s hair. Sherlock Holmes sits besides him and nervously thrums on the chair’s rail.
- Well, Holmes, it seems like Mrs. Hudson routed you.
- No way, my dear friend! Sherlock Holmes never runs for a woman. Don’t you remember that even Irene Adler left the country instead of facing me? No, doctor. Sherlock Holmes is a brave man – he can’t be deterred by women.
- Then what on Earth are you doing here?
- No woman deters me – but a rolling-pin in our landlady’s hand….
24. Sherlock Holmes smokes his pipe besides the fireplace of the Diogenes Club. A moping Mycroft sits on his side, looking out of the window. Then he says:
- I know how much you adore my deductive skills, Sherlock. Now I will tell the name of a pedestrian in two minutes.
- For aught I care – shrugs Sherlock.
- Surely you could do it as well, but you’d need ten minutes, because your mind is slower than mine.
- But I could strangle you within two minutes, brother dear…
Mycroft gulps and wants to take revenge. He says:
- Do you see that man standing with his back to us, in front of the florist? Unfortunately I can’t see his face, but judging by his clothes I say he’s a well-to-do gentleman. His hat is brand new. There’s pride in his attitude, he’s intellectual. Buys a huge bouquet, but not for his mother, he’s too old for that. I see some of his hair, which is gray. There’s a square-shaped bag at his coat’s right pocket, so I suppose he already bought the engagement ring.
Sherlock yells gleefully:
- I need only thirty seconds, Mycroft! Without seeing that man I can tell that he is John Watson.
25. Sherlock rummages in his wardrobe.
- I can’t find my purple scarf. Where can it be?
Moriarty tells him:
- I gladly help you to make your neck violet…..
26. It’s a sad, rainy day. Inspector Lestrade is moping at Baker Street:
- I am a piker, a good-for-nothing man, Mr. Holmes. No one ever believed in my inner virtues.
- That’s not true. I do believe in your inner virtues – answers the sleuth.
- Really, Mr. Holmes?
- Sure, my friend. I sold one of your kidneys.
27. Sherlock Holmes and Mrs. Hudson are quarrelling. The landlady vehemently states:
- Mr. Holmes, you’ve got a really intolerable temper!
- That’s a lie, Mrs. Hudson. I tolerate it quite well for many years.
28. Sherlock Holmes turns into the Diogenes Club. While walking amongst the men of silence he notices a plate with the following sentences:
We rarely speak because least said soonest mended. We know that silence is golden.
The detective’s face brightens. He turns towards the club members and says:
- Gentlemen, will each of you give me 20 pounds? You know, silence gives consent.
29. Mrs. Hudson and Watson arrive home from the market. Holmes rushes to them.
- Dear Mrs. Hudson! My dear Watson! I admit that you were right when you recommended having attic windows.
- But Mr. Holmes, you ardently objected the idea for days, stating it would be expensive and pointless – answers the surprised landlady.
- I was wrong. You and Watson were right. We need more light, more air, we need a clear view. While you were away, I made an attic window for myself and another for Watson.
Watson gets really angry.
- Holmes, you old coon! I bet one of your chemical experiments went wrong!
30. Two Scotsmen sit on a bench in front of the pub in Scotland. Suddenly Sherlock Holmes runs in front of them. One of the men tells the other:
- Just look at that fool! His kilt is oversized, and what is more, he wears it around his neck……And why on Earth has he an old sock on his head? And what does he want with that piece of glass in his hand? A loser like him can’t even get a bottle of gin, I tell you!
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