CLASSICAL SHERLOCK HOLMES JOKES
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1. Sherlock Holmes finds out that the little dancing men are letters in a unique cryptography. He is very happy and delighted and he just wants to leave the room. Watson asks him:
- What is it, Holmes?
The detective turns back and begins to explain, miming the postures of the figures:
- Look, Watson! If this is E, this is P, this is I and this is L, then what is this?
Dr. Watson thinks hard then comes up with the solution:
- For sure it is an EPILeptic seizure.
2. Sherlock Holmes and dr. Watson move in to 221B Baker Street. Both would like to have the first floor bedroom, so Sherlock offers a race from the entrance door to the second floor bedroom – the winner has the right to choose. The sleuth runs very fast and has a considerable advantage, but he fells at the first floor flight of stairs. Watson jumpes over him and he is the first to arrive at the second floor bedroom. He stretches on the bed happily, and after a short while Holmes also appears and says:
- Well, congratulations, Watson. I see that you already made up your mind, so I go and take the bedroom that remained for me.
3. Sherlock Holmes begs Watson:
- Give me problems. Give me work. Give me the most abstruse cryptogram, or the most intricate analysis.
- All right, Holmes. I will give you an income-tax return.
4. Dr.Watson returns to Baker Street after a week of absence.
- Good Heavens, Holmes! You are nothing but skin and bones.
- That is why the Sussex vampire could not beat me.
- What have happened?
- Mrs. Hudson recommended a diet what suited me the best.
- What was that?
- Five orange pips.
5. On a dark night Henry Baskerville is attacked by the Hound of the Baskervilles on the moor. Holmes and Watson arrive at a crucial moment. Holmes pulls his revolver, but Watson remarks:
- The cartridge is empty…I forgot to load it.
Sherlock tries everything to save Henry. He whistles to the dog and yells:
- Here’s a nice big drumstick!
Then he tosses the revolver far into the bog. The dreadful Hound makes a dash for it. They hear enormous splash and there is mud everywhere.
Holmes says Watson delighted:
- You see, my dear Watson, all hungry creatures follow their instincts…..Watson! Watson! Where are you, Watson?
6. Sherlock Holmes experiments with animal remains, which he has put into a metal bowl. Holding it he walks past dr. Watson.
- I see that you had nothing for breakfast, Holmes.
- How do you know that?
- Your bones are rustling.
7. Sherlock Holmes has no new case for a long while, so he is much abominable than usual. He is so bored that he goes to Watson’s consulting room. The good doctor examines a patient.
- What do you expect from him? He’s just a general practitioner with mediocre qualifications. He knows only two methods of cure: grated apple and baking soda.
The patient jumps from the chair and leaves.
Watson yells at Holmes furiously:
- For Heaven’s sake, Holmes! What would you say if I expelled your clients?
- You can’t do it. You need to be smart to do that.
- Can we bet on it?
They agree that the loser pays ten pounds. A week later an illustrious client arrives at Baker Street, but he hesitates after introducing himself.
- Look, Mr. Holmes, I’m not sure that it was a clever thing to come to you….I belong to high society, and I do not want to share family secrets with you.
- Well, kings trusted me several times in the past, sir…
Watson answers quickly:
- And as we all know, many royal dynasties died out…..
8. Mycroft Holmes announces in a daily magazine that he pays one thousand pounds to anyone who solves a picture he shows. First comes Mrs. Hudson to try her luck. Mycroft gives her a paper with a straight black line with two semicircles connected to it.
- This is very easy! These are two hills.
- I am sorry, but your answer is false.
Next comes Watson.
- Two scoopes of ice-cream.
- These are pretty nice tits – guesses Lestrade unsuccessfully.
Professor Moriarty turns the picture upside down and says:
- This is a butt in underwear.
- Wrong again – grins Mycroft.
Now enters an old bookseller, who stares at the picture for a long time.
- Say something or leave! – urges him Mycroft.
- Be patient, sir! I cannot work without data – answers the mysterious man and contemplates over the riddle a lot again. At last he throws off his disguise and reveals that he is Sherlock Holmes. He turns only a quarter on the picture and says:
- Give me two thousand pounds, my dear brother, and no one will know that the solution is the letter B.
9. Watson is very excited:
- Holmes, there is a new case for you! Four dead bodies in an African village.
- I won’t take the case.
- But you never refused a case before! Why do you do this?
- Because it is impossible to think cold-bloodedly in Africa.
10. Sherlock Holmes and dr. Watson walk on the street on a Monday morning. The sleuth asks what time is it.
- For minutes to seven.
- Then a black cat will rush before us at the corner in a minute.
It happens just as he says.
- That’s incredible, Holmes! You have to have some supernatural powers.
- Not at all, my friend. The milk-bar opens at seven, that’s the secret.
11. Sherlock Holmes returns to London after three years of hiding. Watson is extremely happy to see him again. They have a pleasant chat when he asks:
- Tell me, Holmes, how did Moriarty die?
- It is awkward for me to say so but I have erred in connection with him. I thought he is a stalwart man whom itis hard to beat. But he died because I stepped on his fingers.
- What? This was the cause of his death?
- Yes, Watson, though he hold onto the rocks of Reichenbach with all the strength of his fingers…
12. Watson reads a newspaper then he tells Holmes with a smile:
- Queen Victoria says she often talks to God.
- That’s true. She meets my brother Mycroft quite a lot.
- But Holmes….Mycroft is not God.
- That’s true again, but are you brave enough to tell they?
13. Holmes and Watson chase a mouse who has an expensive ring in its mouth. The mouse runs into the mouse-hole. The two men try to reach into the hole, but without avail.
- I have no other choice, I have to use my head – says Sherlock.
- Excellent idea! Use your big nose and sniff it out!
14. Sherlock Holmes returns from his long exile. Watson asks him:
- Tell me, Holmes, what have you done during these years, away from London?
- I travelled to Tibet, for example. I met His Holiness The Dalai Lama. I also taught something to the monks.
- Really? What could they learn from you?
- When I arrived, they could only repeat OM. Now they can say Holmes.
15. Watson is excited, because a beautiful woman pass him and Holmes on the street.
- You know who was that, Holmes?
- No. Who is she?
- Emma Angel, the beauty queen. She fights for world peace.
- Well, then she’s like Moriarty.
- How could she be like him?
- The Professor often announces that he likes to send people to a better place.
16. Mycroft Holmes asks his brother to meet him outside the Diogenes Club.
- Why did you want to see me, Mycroft?
- I’m in a great trouble, Sherlock. You know people better than me, and there is a delicate matter inside the club.
- What is it?
- I should throw out the optimistic members.
- Those light-minded, positive persons radiate happiness. They are just unable to understand the huge problems mopish members have to deal with.
- You are the founder. Why don’t you expel them?
- Sherlock! You know very well that speaking is prohibited inside. So I can’t tell them to leave. I can’t expel them in a written form either. This could cause other members to gloat upon, and they could even laugh out loud. I can’t let it happen!
Sherlock agrees to help. He enters the club and cries out:
- There is a bomb in the building! Run for your life!
Recommended Club: Intellectual Parasites Of Diogenes Club
17. Sherlock Holmes looks out of the window.
All jokes were written by SherlockExtra.
- Look, Watson! Murderers run about the streets.
- At least they do not get fat, Holmes.
18. Holmes and Watson spend the night at an ancient castle. In the middle of the night there is some weird sound.
- The Hound! The Hound of the Baskervilles! – jumps Sherlock out of his bed.
- Calm down, Holmes, it was only the rumble of my stomach.
19. Moriarty enters Sherlock’s livingroom. He looks at the lean detective:
- I do not know why I thought you would be a match for me. I see that you are not hungry for success.
- Why? Do you have a thirst for adventures?
- Yes, I do.
- Then you can drink from Reichenbach Falls.
20. Holmes and Watson go upwards.
- These stairs are very dangerous. Everyone break their necks on them – grudges Holmes.
- It’s a mercy that we use our legs – answers Watson.
21. The detective and his companion investigate in a dark room.
- I can’t see anything – complains Watson. Soon he cries out.
- You see, my dear Watson, the tibia helps to find the furnitures of this room.
22. A rich man offers a large sum for Sherlock Holmes for stealing a plan from an investor. Because he is cash-trapped, the sleuth agrees. Him and Watson sneak into the inventor’s house. During years they perfected the method of walking in dark rooms, so they quickly get the papers. Suddenly the room becomes illuminated.
- We are caught! – says Watson.
Holmes angrily looks at the inventor: - Why couldn’t you wait four minutes, Edison?
23. Holmes and Watson go rowing. Holmes is at the loom, when Watson cries out:
- Dear God! The Loch Ness monster! And it comes this way! Row faster, Holmes!
- Watson, put down that magnifying glass and stop yelling. You scare that poor eel.
24. Late at night Mrs. Hudson enters Sherlock’s livingroom. The sleuth sits at his desk and stares at some flies fluttering in a closed bottle.
- What are you doing, Mr. Holmes? – asks the landlady.
- I observe these flies. I caught more today than I did yesterday.
- And what can you deduce from this?
- That you can’t hide the corpse of Mr. Hudson any more.
25. Dr. Watson meets Mrs. Hudson at the stairway. He is quite sad and says:
- Mr. Holmes smokes a lot again. He is in a bad mood.
- Maybe his brain needs more oxygen – thinks the landlady.
- This is very likely. Well, I can arrange a trepanation.
- But doctor! Try some less drastic method first.
- What is your suggestion?
- You should open his window.
- I thought some pet would urge him to some exercise.
- I told you, doctor, that dogs are not allowed at my house.
- Don’t worry, Mrs. Hudson, I mean fleas, not dogs.
26. It is already midday, but Holmes is still in bed. Watson enters his room:
- It is high time to get up, Holmes.
The detective looks into the mirror above his night-table:
- You are right. The world needs a good-looking hero.
- I don’t want to upset you, but….
- What is it, Watson?
- You have to know that Zorro started to work at eight o’clock.
27. Holmes and Watson are on a pleasure trip, but their ship sinks. They are the only survivors, and they reach a tiny island with lots of sand and trees.
- I will make a hut to protect us against wild animals – says Holmes.
- Great. I look around, maybe I can find the traces of some intelligent beings.
- I collect some wood, and you can follow my footsteps, Watson.
28. Sherlock Holmes enters a toy store:
- I would like to buy chess-piece.
- You mean a chess set, sir?
- No, just chess-men.
- I see. Are you sure you do not want a chessboard?
- Absolutely. I don’t need a board. My coat is chequered.
29. Cyrano de Bergerac asks Holmes to find his missing sheep. The detective arrives, looks around and says:
- We have to follow these footprints.
- May I help? – asks Cyrano. – What comes next?
- You have to crawl on the ground.
After a while Cyrano shouts:
- Help me, Mr. Holmes! My nose stucked into the bottom of a sheep.
Holmes frees him.
- What a shame, Mr. Holmes! Did this happen to you as well? You have a large nose too.
- Never. What do you think, why I hold my magnifying glass in front of my nose?
30. Sherlock Holmes is sullen. He pulls his gun and aims. Watson grabs his arm.
- No, Holmes! You can’t do it!
- I shoot at the opposite wall when I am bored. It helps me feel better.
- I know, but we are in a cab.
31. – It must have a meaning - puzzles Holmes.
- Stop thinking. Eat! – begs the doctor.
- I can’t. There’s a riddle before me. There must be some logic in it. Adzhegfdhcka….It is a cryptogram and I can’t solve it!
Watson goes to the kitchen and tells Mrs. Hudson:
- How many times I asked you not to serve alphabet pasta!
32. Mrs. Hudson opens a door in the kitchen and she sees a lean man sleeping there.
- Mr. Holmes, I did not mean this when I told you to use the food elevator!
33. Holmes and Watson have breakfast. Watson is angry because the detective disparaged his newest writing. Suddenly a Holmes fan appears, grabs and shakes Sherlock's hand and says: So you are the famous Sherlock Holmes - the king of observation, who not only sees, but observes.
No wonder - grunts the doctor - , he always keeps his magnifying glass at hand.
34. Watson asks Sherlock in Baskerville Hall: Tell me, Holmes, you really aren't afraid of the Hound?
- No, my dear friend. Believe me, there are much more dangerous things here......For example, the cookery of Mrs. Barrymore.
MORE SHERLOCK JOKES:
BBC Sherlock Holmes Jokes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and jokes
Sherlock Holmes Online games
" Classical Sherlock Holmes jokes "
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Keywords: Sherlock Holmes, joke, funny, parody, jokes, humour,
parodies, Dr. Watson, John Watson, Mycroft Holmes, Baker Street,
Mrs. Hudson, professor Moriarty, magnifying glass, coat